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bwana
12:48
Meh, this was a reblog from tumblr that should've never gotten out uncommented. I had put it in my drafts for commenting on it later, guess I accidently queued and posted it. Whoops. Milk is spilled. Nevermind, I will comment on your comments instead then.

I agree with you that many aspects ponted out in the original posting relate to toxic relationships in general and have nothing to do with monogamy in particular. I disagree about some other parts, though.
>the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
Jesusfuckingchrist what kind of relationships has the author of that post been through? This is never a case when you're not a self-centered asshole.
But I think the idea of relationships having to be a zero-sum-thing is quite common too, and I from my point of view, this way of thinking is an unhealthy mistake, because since humans are different, relationships can have complicated dynamics, and I don't think it's healthy to always trying to "settle the score", always trying to "pay back every debt", positive or negative. This only puts everyone under pressure, and I think we all have enough pressure already.
And I see people thinking and acting in these unhealthy ways in all kinds of relationships, not just romatic or sexual ones.
>the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
But that's how it is. If you're committed, you can give up this little bit of hedonism away for someone you love.
I disagree. First of all, I wouldn't call that "hedonism" because having a poly relationship probably doesn't mean you're only skimming the cream off of a bunch of relationships. I guess in a complete relationship, you have to take the downsides as well, good time and bad times. So I don't think a poly relationship is only for the pursue of pleasure.
Also, why should commitment always be exclusive? I mean, you can have more than one child and still be committed to all of your children? You can have more than one friend, and you very probably have (or at least had) more than one parent, and the multiplicity of these relationships doesn't automatically decrease their value, right? The love you feel for someone doesn't have to decrease just because you also feel lvoe for someone else.
Of course the nature of these feelings is kinda different from the ones experienced in romantic and sexual relationships, and I guess for the majority of people - including myself, btw - a monogamous romantic/sexual relationship seems to be the "the right thing", for several reasons. But obviously that's not for everyone, and if all parties involved are fine with a poly relationship, then why not? And if they don't all agree, well, they better don't have a relationship then.
>the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
Nobody says that. Nobody can force you to not be attracted to anyone else. But that doesn't mean you should go fuck them.
Are you trying to say poly relationships are only sexual, only about fucking more than one person? I'm sorry, but that's quite a shallow view then.
>the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
Well, yeah, love isn't always strong enough. Luckily, we live in a culture in which we aren't forced to stay with people we aren't compatible with.
Really? I want to remind you that there's this thing called "marriage", and having an unmarried relationship can be a legal (and cultural) hassle at times - that's one reason why people fought for same-sex marriage. So, one way or another, you are kinda pressured into marriage. Also, I guess you might also see marriage as a sign of the exclusive commitment you seem to value so much?
But then again, being married means that a break-up also includes a divorce. There is a lot of pressure - legal, financial, cultural, societal - standing in the way of ending a marriage, besides the trouble that already comes with a break-up already. So you say you're not forced to stay with incompatible people? Well, I see quite a lot of force there.
>the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
This is a thing that only a person who has never been in love could say.
From my experience, for many people "marriage and children" actually is the their ideal of a relationship, and in our society, this is quite well-accepted, while other (maybe more meaningful and healthy?) relationship goals aren't.

Also, I can somehow understand how the author of the original posting sees all these toxic aspects as the outcome of a certain cultural complex that they called "toxic monogamy culture" - a term I have not encountered before. I haven't researched if there might be a history behind this that explains why the name doesn't seem to be totally fitting. Maybe the term had already been established, yet the meaning has changed?
I don't know, and after this lengthy posting, I somehow can't get myself to dig deeper into this.

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